tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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