ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
