Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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