Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
