I just gift wrapped bread.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
