i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
