Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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