Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
