I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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