watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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