You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
