if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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