I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
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