Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
