Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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