just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
