She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
