Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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