I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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