You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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