there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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