your parents love me but you hate me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
