rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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