i think i have two assholes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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