It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
