I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
