Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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