Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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