I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
