Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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