yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
