I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
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