I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
