Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
