i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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