I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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