i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
