I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
