4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
