just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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