I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize