My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
