so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
