Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
