when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
