I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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