You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
