you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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