I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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