OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
