My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
