i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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