I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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