fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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