I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
