the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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