I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
