I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
