I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
